Recently a friend told me of his visits with an avowed Atheist. The person was a professor who had thrown a Bible in the trash on the first day of each of his classes. He obsessively railed on Christians in classes sending some Christians out of the room in tears. But now when facing death, fear of his consequences was overwhelming him! Interesting, but sad!! His excess attitude and behavior now revealed he had been wrestling with God within himself, refused to acknowledge God and now feared the consequence!
Like Jacob of old, we all wrestle with personalized conscience issues—things we intuitively know we are to do but don’t want to do and justify not doing it. The harder we fight, the more miserable we become and the more it shows.
When I started college, God was gently calling me into His work, but I had vowed I would not go there. Few if any at college knew my inner battle but eventually it began to show in my date life with Connie. Occasionally Connie caught a bruise in the wrestling and it really confused her. A glimpse of what I was wrestling with was revealed by the Holy Spirit during her prayer time.
My sophomore year I finally negotiated an agreement to only lead music and youth in a church. My jostling continued but at a less intense level. To be totally candid, my issue was my independence! I’m not proud of that but only trying to explain how we all have our wrestling matches with God and that was mine. Before it was over, God had to ‘take me behind the proverbial woodshed’ and essentially break me of what I now see as the very antithesis of Christianity–independence.
I can’t be certain, but it seems David may have been describing this wrestling issue when he wrote Psalm 13:2-3 (NIV) How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death. I don’t know what David’s particular issue was. That isn’t important. What it says here is that he wrestled within himself. That describes what I, and many others, have felt or experienced. When we can’t sense the joy and peace of His presence, we often resort to wrestling within our souls to get it—our way. But, our wrestling doesn’t give us the solace we are longing to have—it only aggravates our misery.
My wrestling revealed to me what I valued more than God—my independence. And when I finally acknowledged that fact and completely surrendered myself to God, my wrestling faded. Job was put to this same test for an extended period of time. He was able to get past his loss of children, wealth and even health, but he could not get past his loss of reputation. The book by his name records how he wrestled over that with God. After his encounter with God, in deep humility he surrendered to God’s sovereign authority. He then received a double blessing and his wrestling dissolved.
Maybe I now get it! When I wrestle within, it is of my own making! It is my first clue I am out of alignment with God’s will for my life. I am actually wrestling with God over who is going to control that area of my life. Grateful, I wrestle less today than I did 50 years ago. What are you wrestling with God about? How is it going for you?