Jesus said, “Honor your father and mother” Matthew 15:4a (NLT2). Paul wrote, “Honor your father and mother.” Ephesians 6:2a (NLT2). Why would Jesus and Paul say that knowing full well parents are human and will break God’s laws, some more flagrantly than others? It’s awful that some parents really hurt their kids through their choices and behavior. A heartbreaking number of children also had to grow up with “absentee” parents.
I’m grateful for a happy upbringing with wonderful parents. My dad and I, however, didn’t always see eye to eye. While in college, my dad would chide me about how ‘college changed me’. Because he enjoyed preaching, he’d always preach at me when I visited home from college. That got old fast. I soon questioned him, which angered him. Years of repeated patterns culminated in him ‘disowning’ me. My peace offering in the form of a letter was rejected by him. His father was a poor role model, and to add to his misfortune, his mother died when he was young. His response was to develop unhealthy behavioral patterns. He cut off contact with mom’s family because they disagreed with him. His tiffs with my mom’s family could sometimes take years to resolve, preventing her from seeing them again.
As it was in the past, it would take a couple of years to overcome his anger. Despite appearances, he profoundly loved God. He just hadn’t overcome his past pain. How could I then best honor and respect for my parents, especially my father?
Let’s face it, there’s no such thing as a perfect parent. God, the flawless parent, watched as two of His creations made a wrong choice despite the perfection He provided for them. A child’s reaction to their parents depends on their own interpretation of their actions. Even if parents perfectly obey God’s laws, their children might still feel unloved or deprived. No matter how right their parents were, kids still get to decide how they feel about their parents’ choices. That also means they may carry low-grade bitterness throughout their lives.
Honoring my parents does not mean I honor their shortcomings. Honoring my parents has more to do with honoring the role they served in shaping me. When making a meal, various ingredients go into the preparation—some of which would be very distasteful on their own. In that light, my dad’s dysfunction taught me how to respond to those who disagreed with me, among other things. What I am today results from what our master-craftsman, God, taught me through how I was parented. To dishonor my parents would actually be telling God He made a bad choice in placing me with the parents He did.
We can blame our parents for the problems we have in our life, but is that the truth? Blame has never solved a problem and never will. Keep in mind, children raised in the worst of home conditions have turned out to be very effective godly people, and vice versa.
All of life includes exposure to good and bad situations which continue to shape us. It really makes little difference if life throws rejection or acceptance, our chosen response determines our future. The same is true in how we were parented. “We know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV) Can you honor your parents for the role they served in shaping you to be you?