Unbeknownst to me, there has been a part of me I’m ashamed of. I’ve had it perhaps all my life. I was confident I had totally surrendered myself to God. I had done everything I knew to carefully obey what God called me to do—things I most certainly did not want to do, like being a preacher or pastor. That was what I wrestled most with God about and reluctantly obeyed Him. As I look back now, I must have been like the boy who was told to stand in the corner for having done something wrong, and said, “I am standing in the corner, but I am sitting down on the inside.” I can’t say that was me for sure, but given how God has been persistently teaching me about not trusting myself, there must have been something amiss that God patiently put up with—until the last 4 to 5 years.
I’m reminded of the episode recorded in John 9:35-41 where Jesus encountered a blind man He had healed and then got thrown out of the synagogue for not answering the Jewish leaders the way they wanted him to. “When Jesus heard what had happened, he found the man and asked, ‘Do you believe in the Son of Man’?” The man answered, “Who is he, sir? I want to believe in him.” John 9:35-36 (NLT2) I too wanted to totally surrender myself to God, but I too was blind—spiritually blind to my condition. God has His time for everything, and it came my time for God to address my unsurrendered self. I first surrendered my preference for Connie (my wife) to continue to be with me. Although I thought I had done that until she died. Some of the scales fell off my eyes then and kept falling off. Aging in itself is a Mt Everest to climb. Then I was scammed and had a Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA) when my mind literally went blank when I tried to talk to my grandson. The combination of those events opened my blind eyes so I could see I had continued to default to trusting in myself.
Sometimes God is unmistakably clear. Other times, He veils matters until His prescribed time. The good news is He never leaves us and, in the fullness of time, He touches the nerve connected to our next challenge. The longer we experience God, the time comes for us to be taken to a new level of relationship with Him. For me, this is following what He orchestrated in serving a trimester at APTS in the Philippines. Perhaps because I am going self-funded, they told me I could come and go whenever. But traveling back and forth to the Philippines is not a quick jaunt or an inexpensive trip. It is obvious I cannot trust myself on this adventure. I’m not even sure if I can get through the airports or manage customs and the like. The president and his wife will be my immediate travel guides, but if I return, I will be on my own—who I know can’t trust.
While I have known these things for years, recently I have been experientially learning at new levels that the Holy Spirit is my guide, my mind, my everything! That is liberating and eye-opening. I have already been challenged to lean on Him like I have never done before.
I’m sharing this because I believe God desires every believer to learn to lean on Him. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” Proverbs 3:5-6 (NLT2) I highly doubt He will ask you to go to the Philippines or any other country. But I do expect He will ask you to step out to do something you have never done or even dreamed of doing. Why? He wants all His children to love and trust him more than anything else in this life. I have a deep peace within, and He will give you the same. I am confident He will orchestrate the next steps. Will you trust Him that much? If not yet, I know from experience He will gently walk with you to do His will.
My security with God can never be complete, until I can trust Him to do what He puts in my heart!