I was recently invited to be part of a research project by a person with a PhD. The person who gave me more guidelines about the project repeatedly wrote, “If I don’t hear from you within a certain amount of time, I will assume you don’t want to take part in the project.” I understood that statement to be setting the boundary for participating in the project—fair enough. Its repetition implied I hadn’t caught it the first time. I questioned the reason behind the frequent repetition. I assumed they believed I might initially miss it or that my comprehension wasn’t sharp enough to get it right away. In any case, it seemed condescending. We’re both adults, so unlike children who often need repeated instructions to remember, parents and teachers don’t typically have to repeat things multiple times.
Occasionally, my words or actions don’t reflect what I meant. It’s a great help when someone shows me my mistakes by mirroring my actions or words, so I can stop myself from making them again. Therefore, I tried to respond in a kind way that, while the person probably didn’t intend it to come out that way, their repetition felt condescending.
However, after I had done so, I second guessed myself and felt I had maybe violated Paul’s admonition of “Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2 (ESV) He again wrote, “bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Colossians 3:13 (ESV) Should I have ‘held my tongue’ and absorbed the unnecessary repetition?
“Bearing” doesn’t mean that we learn to “put up” with people while resentment festers under a forced smile. Our collaboration with God enables us to develop affection for people, idiosyncrasies included. To bear the burden of another person means to accept and even affirm it, and in bearing with it, breaking through to the point where we take it simply as an idiosyncrasy. In other words, one way to bear one another well is to love one another well enough to hold our tongues. After all, for the most part, a bitten tongue beats a loose one.
This raises the question, could it be that the health of a Christian community hangs on the lips of those within the community? Thoughtless words spoken can be misunderstood and damage trust. But we can also be too soft-hearted to stand up to other believers in certain circumstances. (Mattew 18:15-17; Galatians 6:1) We need to love enough to confront. There is a fine line between another person’s statement simply being offensive and it being totally out of line with Christlikeness. Discretion and seeking the Spirit’s guidance must be a significant part of the equation.
In my case, I’m unsure how the other person perceived my attempt to reflect their feelings, but my good intentions with my ‘loose lips’ may have compromised their sense of security or offended them. I hope that’s not the case, but if it is, when I talk to them again, I will apologize. From my perspective, a clear conscience maintained through humility is preferable to pride that prevents the correction of inappropriate words. Where do you draw the line between constructively being a mirror and speaking the truth in love?