I have visited with countless individuals whose past failures continued to haunt them—no, more accurately, they continued to defeat them on a daily basis. Each breath of hope fades into the ever-present dark cloud that pursues them. Candidly, I truly grieve for them because I know the routine waves of hope followed by defeat are emotionally and spiritually exhausting them. They say they believe God can deliver them from their draining malaise, but the cycle still persists for them. Too many have taken their life in order to escape the constant defeating sequence. I often wonder how this will end for each of them.
I have not studied nor read of scientific studies of this cycle of defeat. I can only offer from my limited observations that it seems partially related to the confused expectations or what Satan and company perpetually bring to their memory. Judas Iscariot was one of Jesus’ disciples, who failed Jesus in a miserable way. I do not know exactly what was in his mind when he betrayed Jesus but based on his subsequent response, I suspect he may have had a risky strategy in mind. He had hoped to force Jesus to exercise His supernatural powers in such a way that would lead Him to become the earthly king he and the other disciples had fantasized would happen. That strategy had worked for Mary in getting Jesus to turn water into wine which launched His earthly ministry.
In Judas’ case, his heartbreaking failure prompted him to throw the blood money of 30 pieces of silver on that floor at the feet of the chief priest and elders. Unfortunately, that did not stop the loud haunting voice within from reminding him of the gravity of his unexpected failure. He could not bring himself to believe he could be forgiven and therefore chose to take his life.
Lay that episode along side of Peter, another of Jesus’ disciples, who also miserably failed Jesus after vociferously vowing he would never do so. After he had unexpectedly failed Jesus, like Judas he too was deeply remorseful and expressed it by going out to weep bitterly. It was at this point of the two men’s failures where each made a choice in how they would respond to their devastating action. For unknown reasons Peter must have chosen to trust enough in God’s forgiveness, enough at least to walk out the consequences. After the resurrection, when Jesus faced Peter, He did not rebuke or even chide Peter for his cowardly choice. Instead, He gave Peter three consecutive opportunities to reverse each betrayal by confessing his love for Jesus. Yes, it could be said that betrayal and denial are two different horrendous sins, but both would be classified as totally unacceptable by God! The difference was not so much in what they did but in how they responded after they did their despicable deeds. Judas would not allow himself to believe he could be forgiven while Peter at least thought perhaps God would forgive and cast his lot to wait and see his consequence.
If you are ashamed of your past and try as you may to have hope only to have it melt away in a matter of time, can I encourage you to be as Peter and at least give your past failure to God and trust in His character to do for you what He did for Peter and innumerably more through the centuries. Trust He has and will continue to forgive you, not because you deserve it but because of His incredible love, grace and mercy for sinners like you. I have recommended to many through the years to take a helium filled balloon and attach a paper with your sin to the balloon. Then take it out and with your confession of faith in God’s character, love and forgiving nature, say as you release the balloon to ascend skyward, “God, I now give my shameful past to You.” Then allow His love, peace and hope to embrace you as the balloon fades into the heavens.